Why We Should "Soften" With Age

I have been writing a piece for work on how our perspectives and attitudes on historical events change over time. It applies to the narrative we present to the public, but I’ve also been thinking about how it applies to me as I age. I have definitely “softened” with age. I think we all do. What do I mean by “softening”? I’m not talking about the inevitable squishing body “softening” associated with age; I’m referring to our attitudes and perspectives. What was important to us in our 20s was less important in our 30s and became irrelevant in our 40s. The same could be said about our 40s and our 60s. I believe we change our perspectives and attitudes on many issues as we age. I know I have. So, what causes us to “soften” towards some subjects and “harden” towards others?

I think there are several reasons—life experience, for one. As we age, our experiences in school, work, at jobs, in relationships, with family, and among friends have a profound influence on us, leaving lasting impressions. Imprints of people we’ve encountered in our lives are connected with time. I can’t remember a time in my life that wasn't associated with someone at every stage of my life. Girlfriends, boyfriends, coworkers, bosses, schoolmates, husbands, and family members are all connected through a stage in life and all have had an impact on my perspectives and attitudes. These people come and go. Life has ebbs and flows.

If we are open to holistic aging, we learn new ways of thinking and are open to change. But we can also become hardened and set in our ways. The way we feel during each period in our lives changes along with how we remember those experiences, what lasting impressions they have made, and how we learn to cope. The effects of those interactions and relationships may stay with us, and they may not. We may choose to accept life’s ups and downs and move on, or we may choose to stay grounded in a time and place and become “stuck” in the past, not able to move past certain events or experiences in our lives.

Yet aging comes with memories, reflection, and many of us experience a “softening.” I know I have. They say that hindsight is 20/20. It’s an idiom, meaning that it's easier to understand and analyze events after they've happened, much like having perfect vision. It's a reference to having a clear vision after the fact. I’ve experienced a decrease in my rigid viewpoints, an increased openness to admitting my part in interactions, and a greater accountability to myself in past situations. I’ve developed increased flexibility, a greater sense of compassion and empathy, and a greater understanding of myself and others.

There are several key points to “softening” as we age:

1- Maturity and Wisdom.

Growing is part of life, and it's not just physical in nature. It includes emotional and intellectual development. Our character develops, we learn certain behaviors, and our emotions take shape. Our lives are a reflection of how all these attributes come together, and we navigate through life. As we age, maturity morphs into emotional regulation, a focus on positivity, and an ability to be more resilient. Wisdom is gaining insight and knowledge from past experiences. It’s the ability to learn from our past, accept our successes and failures, and use them as a catalyst for change.

2- Decrease in Emotional Intensity.

What is emotional intensity? It is characterized by powerfully strong emotions, from joy and passion to sorrow and despair. These can either be positive or negative responses. Research shows that as we age, we are better able to regulate our emotional responses, we engage in less destructive conflict strategies, and move out of negativity faster. We experience emotional ups and downs less intensely.

3- Increase in Compassion and Empathy.

Some research suggests that our ability to show compassion and empathy increases with age. One theory suggests that it's because we are aware of our limited time. Another theory suggests that our relationships with family and friends become more meaningful. Yet another says we are able to shift our focus to a broader perspective beyond ourselves, as we are able to see the world through another’s eyes. We often can accept the differences between people and our thinking, and develop a broader viewpoint. Every theory has substance, but when put together, it strongly suggests a greater ability for compassion and empathy as we age.

4- Acceptance of Change.

The wisdom and experience we discussed earlier are at the heart of our ability to accept life’s transitory nature. Living in the present moment, accepting the journey of life, and having a greater understanding of mortality accompany aging. Older adults tend to shift their focus from external concerns to finding purpose and meaning in life. With age, we become more relaxed and less stressed by everyday challenges. Research shows that we become more comfortable with ourselves and are able to recognize our and others' unique personalities and abilities without judgment.

We miss out on opportunities for growth and developing substantive connections when we “harden” as we age. We lock out the possibilities of forgiveness, love, and deeper, more meaningful interpersonal relationships. We miss the chance to see the beauty in differences and become bogged down with negativity.

Allowing ourselves to “soften” as we age opens the doors to change, acceptance, wisdom, and emotional maturity. It allows for the experience of empathy, compassion, forgiveness, and understanding. We can find peace and calm, rather than conflict, with family and friends, and in other interpersonal relationships. Our view of the world becomes expansive rather than small, and we discover the harmony and beauty it offers.

Choosing to "soften" as we age outweighs the "hardening" choice by its rewards. Opening up to the benefits of softening can bring forth endless, positive possibilities of aging.