How to Heal Loss with Impermanence
Silver Chats was slated to write a blog on another subject this week but changed my focus because of the devastating fires in Los Angeles. I feel deep compassion for all the victims and can’t imagine the sense of loss and emptiness they must be going through. I reflected all week on the impermanence of things, the importance of our belongings, and how aging teaches us about loss. We explored ways to cope and heal from loss and the increase of experiencing loss as we age.
As we age, we experience loss more frequently; it comes in all forms. It can be the loss of friends and loved ones, physical and mental capabilities, or tangible things, like belongings and homes. Impermanence reminds us that time is limited, loss can occur at any time, and everything changes.
We experience a range of emotions with loss: anger, sadness, guilt, regret, and despair. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings and recognize their source. These are complex emotions that deserve time and support to process. There are healthy and destructive ways to cope with loss. Talking, writing, and engaging in creative activities are some healthy coping mechanisms. Joining support groups and sharing with others who are experiencing similar feelings is often helpful. Reaching out to family, friends, and professionals can also be comforting and offer a resolution to loss-related emotions.
There are unhealthy, destructive ways to cope with loss that can lead to emotional, mental, and physical discomfort. Trying to suppress sadness and loss prolongs the healing process and is an unhealthy coping mechanism. Isolation, avoidance, anger, dangerous behavior, and overworking are all negative ways to deal with loss and can lead to substance abuse, depression, anxiety, and health problems. Whenever possible, reach out for help. The healthiest way to cope with loss is to talk about it.
If you or someone you know is struggling from loss, the following is a list of suggestions from on how to help. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-deal-with-grief
- Be patient: Everyone grieves in their own timeframe. Try not to put any expectations of what grief should look like and just be present with your loved one.
- Offer practical help: The person who is grieving might not know how to ask for help. Instead of putting this responsibility back on them by saying, “Let me know what I can do”, use statements like, “I’d love to bring you dinner tomorrow night.”
- Don’t make it about you: It’s normal to try and relate to someone’s experience, but this can be invalidating. Instead, just be open to listening and providing support.
- Check-in during the holidays/anniversaries: Holidays and other big milestones can be a trigger. Check-in with your loved one more often during these times.
Recognizing loss and impermanence as natural parts of life can help ease the pain and sorrow associated with them. It can also help us accept change and offer the opportunity to focus on the present. It encourages us to cherish the present moment and appreciate the people and things in our lives while we have them rather than cling to the past or fear the future.
The frequency with which we experience loss grows with age. We lose friends, family, spouses, and significant others. But we also experience the same emotions as we struggle with physical decline and mental changes. There is a loss when we downsize, move, or change lifestyles. The type of loss is not as important as recognizing and addressing the signs associated with these changes and getting the help needed to cope in a healthy, positive manner. Only by learning healthy coping mechanisms can we heal and move forward.
It is the start of a new year. The chances of change occurring this year seem inevitable with age. Start by practicing impermanence in your life. By accepting change as the natural ebb and flow of life, recognizing the emotions and feelings associated with loss and getting help, and learning healthy coping mechanisms are all positive steps in healthy, holistic aging practices.
Some but not all of my sources: